Elderly haberdasher absent-minded blues

Elderly haberdasher absent-minded blues...

Let me start this blog by relating my weekend to you all (I know it's a few days late, as the weekend is almost upon us yet again)...Got home from work around 7:30am Friday morning, watched some Dawson's Creek Season One on DVD, woke up Matt at 10 so he could get to work on time, went to bed. Woke up around 5ish. After the ritual of computer, coffee and breaking of the fast while others eat dinner and another episode of Dawson's, I set about to purchase a new suit for the occasion of my cousin Zackary's Bar Mitzvah (at the last minute, of course...it wouldn't be me to have done this suithunt on Tuesday, when I had planned on it, but ended up with the computer and cell phone instead). I brambled upon JC Penney's at 8:30, about a half an hour before closing, simply because my mom's associate discount is still good until the end of June. This thrifty Jewish lad likes a good bargain, after all. I manage to stumble upon the perfect-fitting sharkskin suit in minutes flat, got advice on how to take in the pants (which were awfully long for a suit that is a 38 short), and laid out the cash, giving myself a few minutes yet to choose a pair of shoes on the way out. Mission accomplished, no? Ha ha ha. Let's just say that the moral of this story is never trust an elderly haberdasher doling out the wisdom and virtues of duct tape to temporarily take in your pants...

Since I was over there, I decide to check out the scene at Borders and get an Iced Mocha while trying to rustle up some late-evening plans. I call Meg and she's about to get sushi at King Kullen, so I say "Hey, I'll meet you there in a few minutes," and get there in just a few shakes of a lamb's tail. Good times with good friends and supermarket sushi. We finish our respective servings and part ways, and I make it to Barnes & Noble five minutes prior to closing, just in time to get a gift card for my uncle, who has just turned 40.

I get home around 11:30, and show off my new acquisitions, when my mom notices the anti-theft device still attached to the suit jacket. Goddamn son of a bitch! The store has been closed for hours at this point, and I just don't have the right tools for this kind of job. Even Cassie doesn't have the tools, which frankly shocked the heck out of me. So now I have to wait until Penney's opens in the morning to get this taken care of before the Bar Mitzvah. The problem is, they don't open until 10am, and I'm suppposed to be at the synagogue at 10, and the store is in Massapequa, which is twenty minutes away. oy vey. Complicating the matter is the fact that my body clock has me all nocturnal, so I don't get to sleep until 6am or so, and I have to be up before 9. Needless to say, I am running behind schedule getting out of the house. And then I conveniently forget which exit to take to the mall, which sets me back a few more minutes. So I get to the store at about 10:20, and get the tag taken care of without incident, and try to sneak into the temple at 10:45. My aunt saw me from the beema trying to get my bearings and find a good seat. Apparently, my mom hadn't had time to explain to her the exact nature of the situation...not that I am ever on time for anything...

I then was volunteered to chaperone the rowdy bunch of thirteen year-olds on the short bus from the temple to the reception. I was shocked by the mouths on these kids...until I remembered that at my bar mitzvah, not only were we obnoxious, but most of my friends got drunk, thanks in part to my uncle Don. Having survived that ordeal and arriving safely at the Sands at Lido Beach, I make my way to the bar and actually get carded by the bartender, who apologizes after noticing that I'm thirty. I'm sorry I'm thirty, too. I then get to talk to my grandma's best friend Alma, who also hit the booze up first thing, and we talk about drinking and jobs, before hitting up buffets on opposite sides of the room. I then talk to my uncle Alan and his lover Eddie, who have just purchased a lovely house in Connecticut as a weekend retreat from their Chelsea condo when city life proves to stressful. At 40, Alan seems to want to succumb to the American Suburban dream, proving that noone is safe. I attempt to talk to my cousin Nina about her impending high school graduation and college plans and whatnot, but for some reason, can barely abandon the impulses to say "God, I remember when you were born...I cannot believe you are a grown woman now...I'm so freaking old and still have not found love..." I had intelligent conversations with her once upon a time. One of those rare flashes where I was able to see her and Drew as sentient beings without the association of age and distance separating all of us. I wish I could relate, but I just feel so disassociated from them now. And with my usual partner-in-crime Matt paired up with Cassie, I felt like a total odd man out. On top of everything, I just felt old because I was checking out all the marrried women, many of whom had kids. Don't let me go there, please... I really could have used a drinking buddy that day, which ended eventually at 2am, much the way Friday started, with some Dawson's Creek...