Excerpts from a journal entry gone haywire:

1/16/03 2:49am

Remember that time you said that I was as smoove as Coolio? That was one of the funniest jokes ever!

So yeah, I don't know who might possibly think "Yeah, that J-Ro is pretty kickin' with the ladies, uh-huh" but rest assured, those people are absolutely insane, or just completely misinformed. If one were to ask me about my methods for wooing a woman, this is what I'd have to tell them:

"i cannot do anything normal-like. I have a rube goldberg-like way of asking people out. which is to say, it's overly-planned, there's a lot of jerry-rigged rubber bands and pulleys involved, and it only works about 3 out of ten tries."

And there you have it. I can never just go up to someone and say "Zowie, you're a fetching bird, what say you and I go back to my place for some snogging and a shag you'll not soon forget." Then again, I'm not British, so that may be part of it. I totally don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I think I just like to type and force others to read it. I probably wouldn't if it weren't for the fact that my friends seem to like reading my inane prattling, as if I actually were amusing and witty in the non-Village Idiot manner.

I can only liken it to that scene in "Better Off Dead" when John Cusack's character tries to ask the cheerleader out and he says "hey, i was wondering, since you skate and I skate if you wanted to go out and maybe be a skating team.." and she says "get lost" and then he loses his balance and accidentally grabs her clothes and rips them off and she screams and he gets beat up by the basketball team, only without the skating, dress-ripping, "get lost"s and the getting beat up parts. But really, I guess everything just comes down to 80's movies with Curtis Armstrong playing the best friend - in this case, as wannabe druggie Charles DeMar.

If that's just for the coffee, just imagine the sitcom episode asking her on a date will be. Maybe Curtis Armstrong will make a triumphant return (he was Herbert Viola on "Moonlighting" for several seasons) to the small screen as my mentor in some cracked-out scene of me in a bar, blathering about what a hapless dolt I am in the romance department, like "Scent of a Woman," but instead of being a crazy blind guy, he is just a crazy grown-up version of Charles DeMar, still carrying that pig foetus in a jar, wearing the top hat, looking to score nasal spray, and I have to help him learn that Flonase is addictive and evil, while he teaches me the Art of Zen Romance from a book he picked up at a truckstop in Fresno. If anyone knows what the hell I'm talking about, congratulations. You've won the prestigious honor of a free copy of Caroline's Pneumatic Drapery "3rd Debut Album +" 6th Anniversary Edition cd. respond with your ideas, and I'll enter you into the drawing. Don't be shy, now. Operators are working around the clock to...oh hell, nevermind. It's just a retired barkeep and his shoulder-perching parakeet named Saul.


(music playing at the time of this writing was Azure Ray "Seven Days")