Shitty Transformer - Asshole in Disguise

Here's something I wrote in November of last year. I figure it's safe to post it now. I've already burned most of these bridges at any rate. Enjoy.

You know, I was sitting in the food court at the Roosevelt Field Mall, finishing up my shrimp teriyaki, and it dawned on me that I really am an asshole. If Sammi really is using me for her new standard for guys, her standard is that of an asshole-in-denial, which admittedly, is far worse than your everyday, run-of-the-mill, fully out loud and proud, you-know-what-you're-getting-yourself-into-with-this-guy asshole. An asshole in sheep's clothing is capable of inflicting much more damage, because nobody sees it coming. I mean, on that third date with Stacy, I tell her "…on paper, you're perfect…" and sip my water awkwardly as she gets up and runs out so nobody can see her crying in a crowded Ukrainian restaurant, leaving me full of pierogies and remorse. Who does that? Someone who is clearly an asshole.

Also, while in denial about being an asshole, I managed to break up with my last girlfriend accidentally via text message (involuntary text-slaughter) - quite possibly the most egregious offense one can commit whilst in a committed relationship in the non-adulterous department. The only thing worse in this category is to actually murder your significant other (by accident). It doesn't matter that I didn't want to break up with her in a text message. It still happened. It was kind of bloody that way. It was like a bungled mob hit. I shouldn't have even been dating her. I was never truly attracted to her physically. I just figured that maybe if she was that cool, I would just magically overcome the other obstacles. But chemistry doesn't work that way for a guy. From what I understand, a woman can grow to love a man, but a man is either hot for you or not. There's no middle ground. This would go a long way in explaining why the best sex we ever had was when I was what should have been too drunk to fuck or when I was ill to the point of almost being dead. At those times, my body had been running purely on alcohol and preservation instinct.

So, in my mind I was trying to do a good thing. When we started dating, she said she was surprised, because she didn't think that she was my type. I had an out right there, but was too stupid to use it. I really thought that this would mean I was shallow, and I have spent my whole adult life trying to not be shallow. So instead, I dive into this thing, even though i knew what would happen, and then I drag it out and wait until I am literally repulsed by her touch to realize that this is a real problem and that I need to call the whole thing off. The non-asshole method would have involved telling her upfront "Look, I haven't had sex in over two years, and you seem like the most viable candidate, but I'm not looking for anything too serious" and left it at that.

That's not what I did. Nope. Instead, I make these grand gestures and deny my true nature, until I stress myself out, get hives, hide from her for a week, and then when confronted, say nothing, and wind up breaking up with her via text message, even though I was trying to wait to do it in person. Seriously, I am such an asshole, don't you think? I mean, being a serial monogamist doesn't preclude you from assholedom. In fact, it may even encourage activity of an assholish variety.

Take the time, for example, that I broke up with someone because she was a virgin (she was 19), and I had decided after the last two women I dated who had been virgins that I didn't want to go down that road again. I mean, there's a big difference between a 19 year old virgin and someone who is a virgin at 24. I said that I was still not over my ex (which was not untrue), but I never fessed up to the whole virgin angle. And that was some time AFTER I had waited until receiving a blowie to tell her about the death of an iconic figure in rock 'n' roll that she actually knew in person! And the hits just keep on coming!

And I wonder why I'm single?