Vending Machine In My Kitchen - A One Act Play In Two Parts

Ok, so this is one that I don't know if I should put here or at the House of Chicken & Waffles...it's a true story of late night absurdity that can only exist in my world...I think. It kind of blurs the line between creative writing and ranting...maybe I will post it to both later on.

I just wish that there was a place for this unrelated anecdote in there: At work, the men's bathroom was being cleaned, so the only option for the bursting guy is to use the women's restroom. So Sheryl, the cleaning lady, makes sure the room is empty before I go. I take care of my business and "drain the lizard," as they say (who "they" are, I know not). As I am washing my hands, Sue walks in halfway, then puts on the brakes to deliver the line "You're not a woman!" with an expression on her face to match the surprise in the tone of her voice. "I'm glad you agree" says I, drying my hands with a paper towel and exiting, unable to surpress a gleeful giggle that evolves into a maniacal fit of full-throttle chuckling as I enter the breakroom, much to the confusion of my co-workers.


Vending Machine In My Kitchen - A One Act Play In Two Parts

When we first come upon our protagonist J-Ro, he is driving home from work on his lunch break at 1:30AM, on a mission to consume a bowl of matzoh ball soup. In addition to his desire for soup, his colleague Bunny has made him hungry for spinach as a result of her own meal, even though he yearns not for sweet & sour anything...not even spinach. Driving home, J-Ro's lightbulb appears over his head as he remembers that he bought some leaf spinach in butter sauce on his reconnaissance mission to the supermarket...his first solo foray involving something other than simply snack foods, alcohol and a shrimp ring in nigh on three years. A comforting thought indeed, as the craving for that leafy green goodness was reaching a fever-pitch.

J-Ro pulls into his driveway, surrounded by massive hacked-off limbs of trees strewn about after mighty winds bent the boughs and branches in numerous directions which threatened the very flow of electricity and cable into the house from the curbside, not to mention the raingutters on the house itself. He enters the bungalow that is his new home, across the driveway from the main house, heading straight for the kitchen, to retrieve the spinachy goodness and free it from the clutches of the freezer holding it captive.

Entering the kitchen, he flips the lightswitch, quickly turning to his right and noticing the blinking "2" of the answering machine's LED display. "Ooh, a new message," he thinks to himself (message # one being from some guy with a funny accent, who had called for his brother, to commission a track from his now broken-up former band for a compilation CD). After pressing play and discovering naught but silence, his head turns back, when something foreign seems to appear out of nowhere. "What the fuck?!? Is that??" It's a small vending machine, the analog variety, with individual coin-slots that one twists manually. It simply says "Snacks & Chips" on the front panel above the pick-up tray. "Why the hell is there a vending machine in my kitchen? What have Matt and Cassie done this time? This is absolutely ridiculous!"

Our hapless hero, barely surprised at this turn of events and mysterious newfound kitchen accessory, shrugs and carries on with the intended mission -- the spinach retrieval. He opens the upper door, observing the now two-month old ice cream birthday cake that is the only other occupant of the infrequently-raided freezer and passing over it to obtain the Green Giant's Jolly vegetable contained therein. He shuts the door, turns, stares again at the oddity occupying his kitchen floor, scratches his head with his free hand, then quickly switching off the kitchen light and exiting his tiny home, heading for the main house, to cook his spinach and heat up a nice bowl of matzoh ball soup.

While the spinach is in the microwave getting hot, Matt & Cassie make their way from the upstairs, apparently on a field trip to the water closet...possibly to suss out burglars. Matt is the first to speak, as he rubs his eyes with his fists and blinks.

MATT: "What are you doing here"
J-RO: "Came home to get some matzoh ball soup. Also, Bunny got me hungry for spinach, so I went to get that out of my freezer. So, why the hell is there a vending machine in my kitchen? Where did it come from?"
MATT: "I don't know what you're talking about."
J-RO: "Bullshit! There's a huge box full of coffeepots in the basement that prove otherwise. Where the hell did you get a vending machine from, anyway?"
MATT: "I still don't know what the hell you're talking about."

CASSIE exits the bathroom and joins the conversation as it stays its course on the carousel, with neither side getting off the horses.

CASSIE: "I suggest you call the number on the back of the vending machine and ask them why there is a vending machine in your kitchen."
J-RO: "I don't think that would be a good idea. I definitely don't want whoever owns it to know I have it. That surely cannot be a good thing."
CASSIE: "If you have any further questions regarding this matter, you can consult our lawyer."
J-RO: "Did you say I should insult your lawyer?"
CASSIE: "CONsult our lawyer."
MATT: " You can insult him, too, if you like. I don't care, I'm going back to sleep. Goodnight, weirdo."
CASSIE: "Goodnight, Jon. Have a fun rest of the night at work."
J-RO: "Goodnight, Bonnie & Clyde."

exit MATT & CASSIE up the stairs. A heavily perplexed J-RO continues to prepare the spinach and matzoh ball soup, using two separate bowls. "What the fuck is up with the vending machine?????" The preapred meal is then taken into the den, where J-Ro resumes watching the final epsiode of Season five of "Friends" on DVD. Once the meal is over, he will go back to work and share his bizarre tale with his many co-workers, clearly doomed to an eternity of repeating this story to everyone he encounters, the vending machine his albatross, only funnier.

fade out

***********************************

http://chickenwaffles.blogspot.com/

Sergei just informed me that it had been several days since the previous pathetic update, so I'm gonna throw y'all a bone. Let me show you my mind at the moment. Warning: 'tis a silly, scary place. It's nearly 3am and I just ate 2 of those Thomas's blueberry waffle things while downing some Mike's hard lemonade that I found last week in my kitchen cupboard and promptly rejoiced and put in the fridge. I am listening to the Guided By Voices box set Hardcore UFOs. I apologize to Bob Pollard now that I have no Rolling Rocks to drink while listening to his music. I'm thinking now, as I am finishing off this bottle of MHL that I should grab another one from my fridge next door, but it is nearly 3am, so maybe I shouldn't, but then again, if I want to catch a matinee of "Elf" tomorrow (or today), I need to be able to wake up at a decent hour. Of course, drinking would probably help me sleep. I guess one is good enough for now.

I don't know about any of you other single folk out there, but I'm starting to get depressed by Friendster,Myspace, etc. because a lot of the cooler-looking people (going by profiles and favorites, obviously, not really with a clue of interactive personality) live far away or are in relationships or both (and I should point out that this is mostly regarding the 24+ population, as pretty much anyone in college should be listening to good music, as that's when you are exposed to the best stuff). But lately, I see these profiles, and I must admit that I haven't sent a whole lot of messages to anyone lately because early on I sent out a bunch and rarely got replies. I think it's because I wrote too much. Being brief is not my forté, I suppose. But scaring off women in the tri-state Metro area apparently is. I know I am just oh so intimidating. Ha ha. But seriously, the only other person on Myspace with "Careful" by Guy Madden as a favorite movie lives in NYC and is in a relationship.

Before anyone starts worrying about my frame of mind, let me just reassure you: I've given up the search, for the sake of my sanity, and am working on just being more outgoing in public and less the socially retarded kid in high school who would stand against the wall in the gym at the school dance while waiting for the one good song to be played so I could make a fool of myself, displaying dance moves that Elaine Bennis only wished she could have come up with. I've gotten better at this, i think. Well, maybe not the dancing part, although the "Peanuts" moves I've picked up over the last couple years definitely help.

I've actually been rather upbeat lately, according to various sources, so I guess that's a good thing. I think it might have something to do with a steady diet of bacon and other pork products. I had a wonderful shrimp burrito at the Green Cactus tonight with Shannon. I think if I kept kosher, I would be very unhappy and unfulfilled. Last night found me at the Hi-Lite Diner in Port Jeff with a bunch of crazy USB media kids, eating a turkey BLT on a croissant washed down with about 4 cups of coffee...that was after the two Brooklyner Weisses at the Velvet Lounge. It was definitely a good night. I haven't had an overwhelming number of those lately, so it was a welcome change.

I miss a great many friends of mine who I haven't seen or spoken to a lot in recent months, but the phone works two ways, and the interweb in more ways than that. I just can't keep up with everything in my life, so my only reaction is to do nothing most of the time. It's sad, really. The only thing sadder is when you check out someone's profile on Friendster when you're into them, and it all of a sudden says "In a Relationship" and you're just like "Woah, since when?" And then you remember that a whole 48 hours has passed since you've spoken to said person. Not that this has really happened to me lately. At least not with anybody I seriously was pursuing. Too far away, mostly, for me to deal with. Hell, I've made it out to Nassau County once in the last six months, nevermind taking a trip across the country or even upstate. Bah. I need to find someone close by. Oh, and it has to be someone who isn't really interested in me. If someone likes me, I automatically find a reason to make sure it is impossible for me to reciprocate. It is an interesting phenomenon, and I actually can make charts and graphs detailing this pattern. For my novel, maybe I will.

That reminds me, I haven't completed my poetry and shit book yet. I haven't moved into my house all the way yet. I haven't recorded a song in a year. I haven't played a show since when? I am singing along to Guided By Voices into my empty bottle of MHL and it sounds divine. I will remember this when i record again. I am working on lyrics right now, and had been working on some music until last week, which was the last time I picked up my guitar, I think. I am actually writing new lyrics to describe old heartbreaks. I suppose the art of crafting that into insightful and perhaps non-crappy words is worth something. Sometimes I think that my demeanor on "stage" as a nervous and bumbling moron clouds the seriousness of my intentions. I fear that I may be in the same category as The Frogs, and that nobody will give a shit about the stuff that I took time to carefully sculpt and chisel, but the shit that I just toss off-the-cuff will be wildly popular and everyone will think of me as a joke.

Okay, the NyQuil is starting to work bigtime. I guess I should really get next door and jump in bed before I kinda just hit this keyboard with my face. Wow, this post sucks. Sorry. Well, I'm sorry to all of you except Sergei. You can eat it, Admiral. "Oh, you haven't blogged since November 9th, what's up with that?" Ha ha ha. Oh yeah, btw, I finally updated House of Chicken & Waffles. I'm sure you are all thrilled.

Night night.

I'm on the radio tonight at midnight!   

Just wanted to let y'all know...
That's right, join me for my new new new timeslot (maybe I'll be in this one for more than two months this time) Sunday night/monday morning from midnight to 3am only on WUSB 90.1 FM. For the reception impaired, try http://www.wusb.org
yippeee

 
mood: jittery
music: spacemen 3 - forged prescriptions

PS I will blog some kind of update soon...

Oog-a-chaka

Hey kids, just a brief update to fill in some gaps. Lessee, what's happened lately? A quick rundown:

--The Repercussions EP, Don't Fear... was recorded and mixed. It sounds amazing. Apparently, the guy who recorded it is supposedly mastering it as I'm typing this. I hope so. I want to release something amazing-sounding. It already sounds awesome, but I want it to sound as awesome as possible. The first release on Example Such Cloth Hammer Engine (ESCHE) will blow your minds! Seriously. Catch them at Saints and Sinners this Thursday, with Jets Jaguar, The Clap and The Arsons. They are also playing Saints and Sinners next Wednesday, the 12th. I will be there for that one (no work). They rock, and I'm not just saying that because Matt's my brother and I'm putting out their EP.

--Sunday the 26th of October, Matt and I went to see Death Cab For Cutie and the Long Winters. When we got to the Bowery Ballroom, a slightly drunken Dawn greeted us merrily. We then said hello to an already inebriated Jackie and a slightly soused Sergei. Good times, indeed! The show was amazing. Both bands were great. THe Long Winters played a great mix of songs, mostly from the recent album, When I Pretend To Fall, but including a couple from their first, The Worst You Can Do Is Harm, including my favorite "Carparts," which they played right after I said "Carparts" in a quiet voice, not liking to be demanding. The guy next to me was like "Wow, you called it." Death Cab was totally intense...and for an encore, they played "Free Fallin'" with John Roderick and Sean Nelson from Long Winters on backing vocals and tambourines. Awesome!!!

--Made another mix cd for no particular reason. It's kinda thematic, and kinda down at times, but enjoyable nonetheless. The tracklisting looks like this:


Goddamn Right, It's A Beautiful Day

1. Iron & Wine "Such Great Heights"
2. Pink Floyd "If"
3. Loose Fur "Chinese Apple"
4. Elliott Smith "Waltz #2 (XO)"
5. Ballboy "Meet Me At The Shooting Range"
6. Idlewild "In Remote Part/Scottish Fiction"
7. Grandaddy "Yeah Is What We Had"
8. Maquiladora "Ritual Of Hearts"
9. Yo La Tengo "Don't Have To Be Sad"
10. Death Cab For Cutie "Title And Registration"
11. With Every Idle Hour "Untitled"
12. Dismemberment Plan "Time Bomb"
13. Eels "Mr. E's Beautiful Blues"
14. The Long Winters "Cinnamon"
15. True Love Always "Modesto"
16. John Vanderslice "Underneath The Leaves"
17. The Postal Service "Such Great Heghts"

------------------

---Bid au revoir and bon voyage to the lovely Dawn Wednesday night, as she was preparing to depart for Syracuse, in search of education and adventure in upstate New York. You will be missed, Dawnie. But I promise I'll visit at some point. I swear I need two weeks off to visit all my friends upstate for a reasonable amount of time. Got to see 3/4 of Come Down (Mark, Nicole & Tom), 1/2 of WEIH (Sergei & Sean) and one part ex-Bravado (Karen) + one Miss Jackie = one heck of a good time.

----Went to a costume party Thursday night at Bev & Ceci's house, because I was off of work. Drank enough to make up for a weekend of missed parties due to my stupid work schedule. I even drank enough to pass out for a little while. Go me! Woke up without a hangover, too. Good times.

--Friday night through Monday morning were spent working mostly. That always sucks. Especially when everyone is having parties and Pimpcore actually plays a show, and I couldn't go. Boo work!

--So, what am I doing tonight? I have no fucking idea. If you have ideas, call me. Or something. Whatever. Heh heh.

xo,
J-Ro

Well, I know that everyone else is doing it, but why can't I do it, too? Elliott Smith is dead of an apparent suicide. I think that it is a really deep loss for the "talented and not crappy" music community. I will admit that I was a little late to warm up to him, though not as late as I was to warm up to Jeff Buckley, to name another now dead icon whose music I was reluctant to appreciate. I had first heard of Elliott Smith as a member of Heatmiser, whose final record, Mic City Sons, I had gotten a promo copy of at Tower Records right before it was released in 1995 or 96, and I thought it was limp-wristed, wanna-be-grunge-but-not-manly-enough crap. I'm kind of stubborn that way, sometimes. So if any of you are confident that I might like it better now, go ahead and burn me a copy or something. Heatmiser had broken up after recording the record, prompting Virgin to release it via it's independent arm, Caroline. After that, Elliott had struck out solo full-time, having already released some solo material on the side during the Heatmiser years. I had heard from Lou Barlow's then-girlfriend, now-wife, Kathleen Billus, that he was kind of a Lou Barlow wannabe. Remembering the mediocrity of the Heatmiser record, I figured this was probably true. Then one day, Kathleen recanted these initial opinions and called Smith a genius. I still was not swayed. Even hearing the lovely songs in "Good WIll Hunting" couldn't get me to buy a Smith record, even when I was living in the Pacific Northwest, where he was obviously quite large at the time (I lived there from 96-99). I guess one day, something changed my mind. I'm not exactly sure what, but last year I broke down and bought a used copy of Figure 8 and immediately loved it. The song "Happiness" is on a mix cd I made earlier this year. "Waltz #2" is a recent favorite of mine, and I'm truly sorry I didn't get to appreciate him sooner and see him play live. The music world really did lose someone truly gifted and I wish that I could have given a shit when it mattered. Hopefully, we will meet in another lifetime, Elliott, and you and I will have made some better choices that go-round (for those of you unaware of my philosophies of endlessly repeating the same life in the same time period until you get it right, which is what I think causes deja vu, I think I wrote a blog about that once, but I can't be sure). Well, those are just a few of my thoughts about Elliott Smith. I hope you find some of that happiness you were longing for...

Also, while I'm posting, let me bid a fond farewell to Fred "Rerun" Berry, who died yesterday. He was too young, and now he will never be able to teach my brother how to dance for his wedding day. Poor Matt had his heart set on learning "the Rerun" for his evenutal nuptials. But now, back to working on a mix cd for Come Down. Yes, that's right, an entire band wants a J-Ro mix cd. Why, you might ask? Obviously, they are nutsy folk! For that, I love them. Nothing makes me feel more special than appreciation of my music nerdliness.

now playing: Ride "Leave Them All Behind EP"