Monday, April 04, 2005

Drowning In A Sea of Self-hindrance

Something very few people probably know about me is that I have very high expectations...not just for those around me, but for myself. Ok, maybe some of you knew that. In and of itself, not so much a problem; but the fact that these high expectations I have of myself often have a tendency to result in a paralyzing fear of doing anything at all, because I might not live up to these expectations tends to muddy the waters a bit. It really makes no sense at all as to how a fear of not accomplishing something perfectly can convince someone to not do anything at all. I know this. Nevertheless, I fall into this pattern fairly often, and have loads of trouble overcoming it. I am fairly outspoken with the ideas I have, and am great at strategizing, but often fail at the follow-through. I have people around me who want to and are more than willing to help me accomplish these tasks, but I tend to keep them at bay, because I feel I need to draw up grand schematics for simple activities. I often know what needs to be done, but have trouble making to-do lists. I often complain that I do not have enough time to do these things, but I can sit and watch lots of tv, claiming that I am so exhausted from my stressful 12-hour shifts at work. I often feel that my time off is spent sleeping and that I never seem to have a chance to catch up with the world around me that has seemingly changed so much while I was working for the better part of an entire week...

There are many things that I want to do with my life. I have been lucky in that I have done a couple of those things on a smaller scale. With my monetary assistance, an amazing band was able to record an fucking incredible, awesome-sounding record. I am very proud of mid-wiving this record. Unfortunately, I have yet to manage the strength and mobility to work any kind of substantial momentum to get behind the record the way the band deserves. But all the hassles of my job are starting to get to me. I feel like I spend so much of my off-time from work stressing myself out about the record stuff that I don't fully relax. I know that if I just spent some time concentrating on this work for the band, that I would feel less stressed and perhaps proud that I have accomplished anything at all, but the amount of energy it often takes me to get that far is draining in and of itself.

Right now, I just really want to cut myself off from the world, not work for a couple weeks, try sleeping on a normal schedule, getting myself that laptop computer I need so badly, and get back to working on my erstwhile novel-in-progress. It has been so long since I have worked on it that I cannot remember many of the anecdotes of my life that had originally spurred this on. I just feel like I am stagnating because of my "day job" on the night-shift, and that it eats up so much of what should be my productive time (I work better at nights, but if I am working at night, I can't be productive for myself, and that is a big fucking problem for me right now), and I have notbeen able to adjust after 2-plus years, which means I may never adjust. Something needs to change ASAP. I think it's my job. I don't need this stress in my life. I need a more-balanced life. I need to have a couple hours every day where I can sit and bullshit through my keyboard like I am now...share my thoughts and feelings somehow...communicate. Without this ability to communicate, I might as well be dead. I don't want to be dead. I want to be able to enjoy the wonderful parts of my life while I still have them -- my friends, music, my girlfriend, my family (who I have been neglecting the last couple of years, and this neglect has been spawning a giant guilt-monster inside me that may also be contributing to my decline at this point), and even quality time with myself. It has been 3 years since the last time I wandered aimlessly in NYC for the sole purpose of watching people being people and observing their interactions and their comings and goings, and translating all that into a written account of the world from my perspective...notes taken down whilst sitting in a café somehwere. These are things that make me happy. I have been denied this happiness for 3 years now. That is kind of fucked up. I can't deal with this denial anymore. I need to be allowed to be myself. Instead, I have a job that I don't even care about, but stress myself out over, even though they very clearly stated to me the essence that while under their employ, the notion of having a life is a PRIVILEGE, that I must earn by playing their fucking bullshit game of kissing a clown's ass. Anyone who knows me knows that I simply am not wired for ass-kissing, because I am programmed to automatically dispute anyone with authority over me, because anyone appointed to such a position is always full of shit and not qualified to tell me what to do. I learn very quickly how to do my job, and once I have a handle on that, refuse to take any directions from idiots. Somehow, these idiots are ALWAYS my boss. Anyways, as such, I end up dreading going to work, and because they make a big deal out of my being a minute late, I will subconsciously manage to make myself late as much as possible, because I cannot conceivably kowtow to such fascism.

This does not make a good personal essay for a future employer, that much is certain. But that is all for now. It is time to go bowling and relieve some of that stress.

Monday, March 14, 2005

J-Ro Live From The Tiny Room With The Computer In It At Long Last

So, welcome to my first blog post in eons. I've been scarcely present in online forums for many reasons. Mostly a lack of time to write extemporaneously about random topis of interest to anyone besides myself. Also, most of what I want to tell all th world has to do with the new love in my life. I wanted to hold off on mentioning that for a while, because I did not want to jinx it or get anyone all upset or whatnot. One learns the lesson swiftly once getting bitten on the ass by that kind of thing. But now that she and I are officially fools in love, I feel free enough to mention it.

It's really been crazy since last I posted. I had to delay pressing the new Trashed On Fiction cd to be able to afford the recording, mixing, mastering and pressing of the first Repercussions full-length, Modern Sounds. I just figured that it would be easier to use Modern Sounds to get distribution and exposure for the label, since I failed to properly do this for the Don't Fear EP and the Space Robot Scientists EP. Plus, it's easier to market 14 songs than 7 songs, even though those 7 songs add up to a minute more than a typical Weezer coaster. Of course, because I spent so much money on Modern Sounds, as well as having to buy a new car because my Saturn finally died, I have yet to rebuild my savings to a comfortable enugh level to afford pressing the TOF cd. On top of the hideously long delay (viva indie labels!) is the fact that I have been like an absentee father to TOF as well. I have missed so many shows due to work/time constraints that I'm beginning to wonder if the band secretly hates me, and wouldn't blame them if they wanted someone else to put out their record at this point.

But yes, my new car is a Hyundai Elantra 2005, with a pretty neat spoiler that I didn't ask for but liked a lot. I got the cassette deck because of my many old mixtapes. It has awesome beverage holders, and even has a beverage-holder adapter for smaller cups! There is also a hidden backseat beverage holder. And a cool drop-down sunglasses holder, which contain my recent;y purchased clip-on sunglasses that do not look like to stupid flip-up ones that made generations of baseball players (like Kent Tekulve) look like nerds like that nerd from "Riptide" whose first name in real life was "Thom." The same weekend I bought the car, I had my second date with Hilary, who must have been swayed by my new car, and soon after, we became official. I could go on and on about her for days. It's crazy to be 31 and to say that I've never felt this way about anyone before, but for those of you who know my big cosmic mess of a lovelife, it makes everything in the past feel like a joke. It's hard to supress the urge to build a chupah and steal her away in the middle of the night and drive to Vegas to get married by an Elvis with a chimpanzee named Clyde as the best man. So to those of you whom I haven't seen in many moons, that is the main reason I haven't been making the rounds to all the social events of the season. Well, that and I'm still working the night shift. Seriously, if you can offer me a job making $35,000 a year and health insurance (hell, I'll take $30G), please let me know. I need out. so so so bad.

Oh, and if you are on Myspace, make friends with my label.

love and x's and o's,