Monday, April 04, 2005

Drowning In A Sea of Self-hindrance

Something very few people probably know about me is that I have very high expectations...not just for those around me, but for myself. Ok, maybe some of you knew that. In and of itself, not so much a problem; but the fact that these high expectations I have of myself often have a tendency to result in a paralyzing fear of doing anything at all, because I might not live up to these expectations tends to muddy the waters a bit. It really makes no sense at all as to how a fear of not accomplishing something perfectly can convince someone to not do anything at all. I know this. Nevertheless, I fall into this pattern fairly often, and have loads of trouble overcoming it. I am fairly outspoken with the ideas I have, and am great at strategizing, but often fail at the follow-through. I have people around me who want to and are more than willing to help me accomplish these tasks, but I tend to keep them at bay, because I feel I need to draw up grand schematics for simple activities. I often know what needs to be done, but have trouble making to-do lists. I often complain that I do not have enough time to do these things, but I can sit and watch lots of tv, claiming that I am so exhausted from my stressful 12-hour shifts at work. I often feel that my time off is spent sleeping and that I never seem to have a chance to catch up with the world around me that has seemingly changed so much while I was working for the better part of an entire week...

There are many things that I want to do with my life. I have been lucky in that I have done a couple of those things on a smaller scale. With my monetary assistance, an amazing band was able to record an fucking incredible, awesome-sounding record. I am very proud of mid-wiving this record. Unfortunately, I have yet to manage the strength and mobility to work any kind of substantial momentum to get behind the record the way the band deserves. But all the hassles of my job are starting to get to me. I feel like I spend so much of my off-time from work stressing myself out about the record stuff that I don't fully relax. I know that if I just spent some time concentrating on this work for the band, that I would feel less stressed and perhaps proud that I have accomplished anything at all, but the amount of energy it often takes me to get that far is draining in and of itself.

Right now, I just really want to cut myself off from the world, not work for a couple weeks, try sleeping on a normal schedule, getting myself that laptop computer I need so badly, and get back to working on my erstwhile novel-in-progress. It has been so long since I have worked on it that I cannot remember many of the anecdotes of my life that had originally spurred this on. I just feel like I am stagnating because of my "day job" on the night-shift, and that it eats up so much of what should be my productive time (I work better at nights, but if I am working at night, I can't be productive for myself, and that is a big fucking problem for me right now), and I have notbeen able to adjust after 2-plus years, which means I may never adjust. Something needs to change ASAP. I think it's my job. I don't need this stress in my life. I need a more-balanced life. I need to have a couple hours every day where I can sit and bullshit through my keyboard like I am now...share my thoughts and feelings somehow...communicate. Without this ability to communicate, I might as well be dead. I don't want to be dead. I want to be able to enjoy the wonderful parts of my life while I still have them -- my friends, music, my girlfriend, my family (who I have been neglecting the last couple of years, and this neglect has been spawning a giant guilt-monster inside me that may also be contributing to my decline at this point), and even quality time with myself. It has been 3 years since the last time I wandered aimlessly in NYC for the sole purpose of watching people being people and observing their interactions and their comings and goings, and translating all that into a written account of the world from my perspective...notes taken down whilst sitting in a café somehwere. These are things that make me happy. I have been denied this happiness for 3 years now. That is kind of fucked up. I can't deal with this denial anymore. I need to be allowed to be myself. Instead, I have a job that I don't even care about, but stress myself out over, even though they very clearly stated to me the essence that while under their employ, the notion of having a life is a PRIVILEGE, that I must earn by playing their fucking bullshit game of kissing a clown's ass. Anyone who knows me knows that I simply am not wired for ass-kissing, because I am programmed to automatically dispute anyone with authority over me, because anyone appointed to such a position is always full of shit and not qualified to tell me what to do. I learn very quickly how to do my job, and once I have a handle on that, refuse to take any directions from idiots. Somehow, these idiots are ALWAYS my boss. Anyways, as such, I end up dreading going to work, and because they make a big deal out of my being a minute late, I will subconsciously manage to make myself late as much as possible, because I cannot conceivably kowtow to such fascism.

This does not make a good personal essay for a future employer, that much is certain. But that is all for now. It is time to go bowling and relieve some of that stress.

1 comment:

  1. John(Maureen's Husband)April 8, 2007 at 11:07 PM

    Somehow you always have a very good way of putting down a lot of what I am going through as well. A lot of my problem is perfection but the other half is laziness. I have ideas for a business making fudge(it sounds silly but you should try some:)) I have learned some but I have not done much with it. Its like I expect myself to screw it up so I don't think I should waste the time getting to the point where I screw up. That and video games. Too much of time is taken up by those, yet they make me happy in the short term so I have not successfully been able to remove their influence from my life. Maureen heard from you recently so I ended up checking your blog.