Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Blog Parts

blog parts 5/23/07

Dear Giant Ants,
Please stop hanging around in my bathroom, especially when I am sitting on the toilet. It is NOT cool, seriously. Climbing on my ass while i'm trying to take a poop is just crossing the line. It really eeks me out. Did I mention I found a can of RAID?



Ever have that dream where you're at a kind of party with Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd and you meet them and start hanging out, having a good time and whatnot, and then sometime after that, you're living in a gas station in a desert with your mom? And then your grandma comes to visit and the first thing she does is break your brand new acoustic guitar because it freaked her out? And then you find your backup guitar and it's covered in three different kinds of tape -- clear packing, electrical and duct? And then you realize you're going to be late for work.

So, you walk into this big building and there's yoga instruction going on, but you forgot your coffee in the guitar-mutilation mayhem, so you go down the escalator to the Koffee R Us or whatever, and Seth Rogen is there, and he's getting a coffee, too. So, you're palling around, the hostess is asking him if he knows anyone on "the inside" who can help her with her acting career, and he's all like "yeah, no, I'm not really in touch with anyone "on the inside" because, um, that's prison lingo, and I'm a Canadian Jew, so I uh try to keep a low profile, because I wouldn't survive a night in jail. Besides, the only people I have an in with are the kind that can get you a good grilled cheese with bacon sandwich. Because I'm fat." The hostess is offended because this whole speech went right over her head, so she disappears in a huff.

Then, you get up to the counter to order your grande mocha, because, even in your dreams you order the same damn drinks, and the barrista just stares at you. Ten seconds later, and he starts doing a standup routine on the stage. And it's good! He's totally killing! And then he leaves the stage, filling his mouth with whipped cream and disappears. You're left with the option of making your own damned mocha or going to work without coffee. Is that a valid excuse when you're late to work?

So, every commercial on the ION network is for a drug -- there's the one so you can breathe better, but it might prevent you from taking a crap. There's another one that helps your eyes produce tears if you've been born without working tear ducts -- but you can't take it if you have eye herpes! That's right, they actually say EYE HERPES in the commercial. Classy! (I know part of this was in the last blog, so eat it).

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